I’ve been demanded to justify these injustices I revealed in last week’s episode:
And as per the unwritten [now written] agreement of the manor, my share of all desserts is a paltry 1/3.
Wait a minute – isn’t this the 21st century? What happened to share and share alike? Am I a doormat??
Answers: Yes, it depends, and not to my knowledge.
There are basically two explanations for our dessert rationing philosophy:
Matt stands 8 inches taller and 50 pounds heavier than me. He far exceeds me in both basal metabolic rate and overall appetite. He can absorb more excess calories into his bloodstream rather than paunchy lipid stores, in a single bound. Biology.
Thus, whatever I eat, he should eat more. Or whatever he eats, I should eat less. Math.
Where Matt does NOT exceed me is in his time-enjoyment-of-food constant (notation: te). That’s a real thing I just invented, nay, discovered. His bites are 4x bigger than mine and his consumption velocity is 3x as fast. This means his total time-enjoyment of 4 oreos is actually lower than my time-enjoyment of 2. So where my caloric share is paltry, my time share is whopping! Science.
From a moderation standpoint, all this works out well because it only takes one of us to make good dessert decisions for it to spill over to the other one. Checks and balances, people. Civics.
So there you go. We run a perfectly rational household here, and that’s how we compute equitable divisions of dessert.
Scene: The Cheesecake Factory, Bellevue, WA, circa 2007
Maryann (hopeful): Want to share a cheesecake?
Matt (perplexed): Share?
Matt: But… don’t you want your own?
Maryann: No! Fool – they are huge!
Matt: But half isn’t enough??
Maryann: What if I eat less than half?
Maryann (sincere): For every one bite I take, you can have 2.
Matt (skeptical): oh-kaay
And so it went on for the rest of time. History turned to legend, legend turned to myth. And some things that should not have been forgotten, were lost…