Tofu Kimchi Eggs Benedict

April 3, 2012 11:58 pm ⋅ 138 Comments ⋅ MadEyeMaryann

Shipping is hard.

Like when you’ve “finished” your term paper, but you still have to add page numbers (but not on page 1!), do a bibliography, and scrub the footnotes for grammar and idiocy. Like when you’ve “finished” your code, but you still have to push all the pixels into place, run beta tests, and fix bugs - soo many bugs. Like when you’re “ready” to walk out the door, but you still have to check the weather, put on a scarf, find your keys, and make sure your scarf matches your shoes. Then drive back down the street to make sure the garage is closed (always is).

Shipping is hard.

I always mess up some mundane detail!
(Shoulda set up a test environment, fool)
photo credit

Because I know this fact, I almost always give the benefit of the doubt to things that have shipped. If an idea was conceived of, deemed worthy of being brought forth into reality, and run through even the most basic of sanity checks (“Honey, do you think I’m pulling off these red boots?”), then how bad can it be? I mean, if something manages to navigate the perilous trail between inspiration and fruition, at worst it’s gonna be “not-quite-my-taste-but-I-can-see-why-you-might-like-it.” N’est-ce pas?

So when I went to brunch this Sunday and saw “Tofu Kimchi Eggs Benedict” on the menu, my first thought was “sounds gross and weird,” but my second thought was “must taste way better than it sounds.” I mean, someone cooked this, wrote a description of it, and printed it on the menu. They sat around figuring out how much it should cost and what to serve on the side. How bad could it be?

Answer: Bad.

Imagine an oily slab of fried tofu in place of the English muffin, and a slop of kimchi instead of the canadian bacon. It’s problematic because the tofu and poached egg are too similar in texture, and the kimchi adds to the mushiness of it all. You need the English muffin and the meat/vegetable to soak up the goop. Accept no only adequate substitutes.

I should have known better. Eggs are gross, and eggs benedict tastes good only because the other layers overcome the egg. Under no circumstances should I have expected the egg to be the miracle worker that makes fried tofu and kimchi taste good.

But… how did this even end up on the menu? How? Only 2 scenarios come to mind. Scenario 1: Chef is a maleficent dictator with weird taste buds and no tolerance for dissent. Scenario 2: Chef is also Grandma and her taste buds are dead but nobody has the heart to tell her. But maybe I owe them more credit… Scenario 3: Chef is a capitalist and knows the likes of Maryann will order the weird sounding thing, so he puts it on the menu regardless of probable gag reflexes.

Really, I should have known better. My logic-meets-optimism-meets-curiosity approach also led me to order a stout float at my favorite place (never do this), and shrimp and banana spring rolls at my second favorite place (sounds insane, tastes even worse).

I started this post earlier today, and had planned to end it with an uplifting tale about how Ben and Jerry’s Free Cone Day today provided such abundant deliciousness that all past anti-deliciousnesses were washed away. But alas, curiosity reared its ugly head and I ordered Schweddy Balls – “Fair Trade vanilla ice cream with a hint of rum loaded with fudge covered rum and milk chocolate malt balls.”

This was merely “good” on the “dessert” scale, but “below average” on the “ice cream” scale. I had hoped the malt balls would compensate for the rum and vanilla, known agents of anti-delish.

Nope. Next time I get strawberry.